First feeding, kind of...

Yesterday we started on the road to feeding Fletcher by mouth once a day five days a week. He is officially a part of the 'feeding program' at TCC. The picture below is a picture of his first food tray. The cafeteria will bring a tray very similar to this one every morning for his 9:00 am feeding. I will say that it hasn't gone off without a few 'people problems'. Like I said earlier we started the feeding program on Tuesday, he wasn't 'supposed' to get his normal tube feeding until after I fed him orally (aka PO), well when I got there yesterday he was having his normal 9:00 am feeding! UGH! I did feed him a little bit, it was more for me than for him. Of course, I complained and everyone was very sorry and now there are signs everywhere that tell them to hold his 9:00 am tube feeding. Today when I arrived at 8:50 am again Fletcher was having his 9:00 am tube feeding, when I saw this I will say I lost my cool and I said rather loudly, 'Why is he eating?' Have you seen the commercial about using your debit card and how it makes things go smoother and faster and then there's the lame person who has the audacity to pay cash for something and everything comes to a screeching halt? Well, that's what happened today when I kind of yelled, 'Why is he eating?' Everything and everybody came to a standstill and just stared at me. Again, UGH! If my sweet husband or Kayleigh had been there they would have left the building out of sheer embarrassment. I did feed Fletcher a little bit today but it didn't really seem enjoyable to him. I will admit I was very discouraged this morning. I have been looking forward to feeding him and it is not going at all like I thought it would. I spoke with Fletcher's speech therapist today and questioned if it's a good idea to orally feed him, maybe he's not ready. She encouraged me not to give up and give it a little more time. So, we'll see. As I type this I am in tears I can't express how sad I am feeling over all of this. It is, of course, compounded by a realization I had a few weeks ago. One day someone asked me how old Fletcher was and I told them two and a half and then it donned on me that in December he'll be three! And then I began to focus on the fact that my toddler isn't toddling. I began to focus on all the things he can't do. It's sad I know, but I'm just being really honest here. I've been struggling with this for weeks now. The other day I was in my van all by myself and I was having some prayer time and I began to weep to the Lord about all this and tell Him of my hurts and my unmet expectations. I listed a few things very specifically: I had dreamed of taking Fletcher to school everyday, I dreamed of him playing with Maddie and enjoying his family. Well, guess what the Lord reminded me of? I DO take Fletcher to school everyday it's just not Will Rogers Elementary and Fletcher DOES play with Maddie and he definitely ENJOYS his family. I will say I'm still struggling, but when I do I'm trying to remember all the positive things that have happened with my sweet boy and how much I enjoy being with him. I would definitely covet your prayers for the struggles I'm having and for us to have wisdom when it comes to feeding Fletcher. I want him to enjoy eating. I don't want it to cause any health issues for him just because I have a maternal need to feed him. Thanks.